Sleepless
Ok so i haven't been able to fall asleep for a whole night since Thanksgiving. I'm really tired all of the time and it is dumb! Oy.

So I have a paper I need to write. The topic? War as a subtext in "The Sun Also Rises," "Women in Love," and A Portrait of the Artist. It is due tomorrow, and it has to be 1200 words.

Here's the problem, I don't want to do it. At all. 1200 words is nothing, hell I bet this entry is gonna be longer than 1200 words. But that isn't the point. I don't feel like going back through all those fucking books and trying to find quotes and paraphrases and ideas and themes that use the fucking war as a subtext. Plus I'm really tired and can't think straight. Dumb stupid crap butt.

AND! I have to give a speech on Thursday, and I'm mortified of public speaking. I know it'll be way easy and it's not that big of a deal, however I just get uncontrollable anxiety before these kinds of things. I think that's why I haven't been getting sleep.

I probably should have finished The Sun Also Rises rather than play guitar for 5 hours today. I don't even think I'm getting better at that dumb instrument. I play it every day for hours and I think I sound exactly the same as I did 4 years ago. If I were good at guitar I would go for Music as my major. And by good I mean scholarships and everything for it, while going to a music school. Otherwise I think it may just be a waste of time. There's no practical use for guitaring really. Just to waste time.

And how long have I been going to Scraft? This is my fourth semester. Have I figured out "what I want to be when I grow up?" NO! I really envy those people that decide their major before they even leave middle school. I'm jealous of the 13 year old kids that say they're gonna be firemen, then end up being firemen. Seriously how does that happen? I've been going through all different types of majors and careers and still it all looks like shit.

Which reminds me: higher education feels like a dumb label. I mean, I've been going to college for like two years now and I feel just as retarded as I did five years ago. Sure I learned a bunch of crap, but it wasn't like it was hard! Anything with a brain stem can sit in a class and soak up information. Are degrees just really really expensive badges that say "hire me!"? That's what it feels like. At least at the undergraduate level.

Of course I think Scraft is a bubble. I'm certain actual hard colleges will make you break down and cry in the fetal position under all the pressure and work. But then why are so many of my credits going to transfer to U of M? Or will I be the ratarded kid in the back of the class that has to take remedial courses after the third week on campus because, really, I don't know shit?

Poops! I just read my syllabus and I was supposed to have read The Transit of Venus by tomorrow. Damn you Gibson! Damn yous! The worst part about this paper is that it counts for 15% of my grade, so I really shouldn't bullshit it. But class participation counts for 30%? Oh hell, I'm already fucked...

Aside from a life full of poop I'm still in a really good mood from last week. Two more weeks until the semester ends, so I guess that's good. If I manage to finish the 4 papers and speech that are due this week I'm sure I'll manage to increase my towering GPA from 2.2 to maybe a modest 2.8.

Um, it's December 02. This month was supposed to be the greatest month ever. It looks like it won't be, though. Dan promised to move out by December 15 when it was still summer. Now I think they're going to wait till January 15. But more likely they'll stay here until the day my parents die.

Remember when you were a kid and you'd step in doggie-doo and you tried getting it all off your shoe with a stick because your mom would have a fit if you tramped in the house with poopy-feet, but the stick could never get off all the crap because it was too sticky and gross so you ended up just throwing off your shoes on the front porch because you thought you really wouldn't care if your shoes were wet in the morning because of the dew but by the time you wake up the next day and put on your wet and poopy shoes you realize that was a terrible idea and you should have gotten rid of the now stuck-hard dog-poops when you had a fighting chance? This is kind of like that.

Maybe I'll be a writer.